


The Marauder's Love Letter. Or attempt at One, at Least.

by Lortan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 100 and 1 reasons why you should never compare any part of a girl to a frog, He just wants to read in peace, James is no poet, Love Letters, Peter nobody asked you for help, Remus is seriously just done with this shit, Remus is the actual sensible one, Sirius is not either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 19:04:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20783591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lortan/pseuds/Lortan
Summary: "Sirius! Quick! How do you describe how beautiful Lily's eyes are?"Started no sensible conversation ever, in the opinion of Remus Lupin.





	The Marauder's Love Letter. Or attempt at One, at Least.

**Author's Note:**

> To update any one of my myriad of already existing stories, or not to update any one of my myriad of already existing stories, and instead accept a challenge prompt. That is the question.
> 
> I think you can guess my answer.
> 
> Written for something on FanFiction, but this is the unedited version that never got posted there. So it's a bit less stylized and a bit more me. Enjoy!

"Sirius! Quick! How do you describe how beautiful Lily's eyes are?"

Started no sensible conversation ever, in the opinion of Remus Lupin. Especially when it was James Potter doing the asking, and he was holding an in-progress love letter. Then there was simply no hope for the following conversation, it was instead just doomed from the start. Remus loved his friend dearly, honestly he did, he would lay down his life for him if it ever came down to it, but really, Merlin, if he had to sit through much more of this...

"Um, I don't, really? Green, I guess?" Came Sirius' reply. It was actually a bit of a surprise, really. Remus had long since assumed that that Sirius had some sort of an endless reserve of useless, girl-related knowledge tucked away in some corner of his mind that would have no doubt been better spent used to store the knowledge necessary to actually pass their transfiguration exams without harrassing Remus for help at the last possible second. Apparently though, even his womanizer friend possessed at least the shred of decency necessary to refrain from storing such information on the girl their other friend liked.

"Kind of like a glass frog? You know, the ones where you can see their intestines from the bottom? Like that Ravenclaw girl keeps?" Peter suggested helpfully, despite literally nobody asking him, and Remus was dismayed to hear James actually pause to consider it before proclaiming that Lily's eyes were, in fact, a little bit less lime coloured.

It wasn't much to restore his faith in a recognisable future that _didn't_ include Janes being violently murdered by Lily Evens, but it was something. It meant that there was a small chance his friend's lower half would remain intact until graduation, and that maybe even one day, there would be tiny young replica James's running around, yelling and causing mischief and -

...Or on second thought, maybe it would be better if Lily castrated him.

"No no nonono. You do _not_ want to compare any part of a girl to a frog. Except for maybe that Ravenclaw." Sirius interrupted, somehow being an actual voice of reason. Remus would have thought it was someone under Polyjuice, were it not for the fact that only Sirius could say something like that so frankly. He wondered how Padfoot had figured that one out. "Think things in nature. Like, uhhhh... I dunno, leaves? The algeae on the lake?"

Remus groaned, and regretted it a second later, because apparently vocalizing his doneness with their conversation reminded them of his existence.

"Hey Remus, do you -" James started, gesturing weakly with the love letter and his quill. Remus didn't even let him finish.

"I wish I could, but I don't want to." He stated, giving them each a brief moment of eye contact that he hoped properly conveyed how much he wished to stay out of this, and went back to reading his book of recent discoveries in herbology. Alas, that meant that he had to sit there as, as a group, they considered asparagus, broccoli, brussel sprouts, the sickly hue of the sky before a tornado, Malfoy's face when Sirius had sabotaged his boil cure potion in potions last week, linchen, caterpillars, various other insects, merfolk, muggle money, and a select few species of pixies, all in the hopes of finding a suitably poetic likening to Lily Evens' eyes.

It was right after Peter, oh always Peter, if he didn't know better he'd think Peter was deliberately sabotaging James so that he could get Lily, but no Peter wasn't even really smart enough to manage a secret like that, let alone a double agenda, suggested "the tarnish on silver?" and oh lord how was that boy ever going to get a girl, how were _any_ of them going to get a girl, why the_ fuck_ was Sirius so popular with the girls when he honestly thought that celery was a romantic comparison, and oh - Remus broke.

"For Merlin's sake, you idiots, _Emeralds! Ferns, moss, ivy! Dark forests that you could get lost in, green tea, leaves after rain! Not seaweed, or olives, or see through frogs!"_ He shouted, attracting attention from other people in the common room for only a moment before they realized who he was yelling at and figured that it was probably okay.

James, Sirius, and Peter stared at him, apparently completely stunned, before with effort James' jaw clicked shut and he positively _beamed._ "Ooh! Emeralds! That's perfect! See, this is why we count on you for this stuff. You're the one who's good at the romance." He said, before jotting it quickly down. Sirius looked minutely offended, Peter was nodding in agreement, and _when the fuck had he become the one who was good at romance? How did he even respond to that?_ A moment later James looked up again. "Now, how do I describe her _mind?"_

"As smart and confusing as a sphinx?" Peter tried.

"Like a really angry, really frightening, really hot professor." Sirius supplied.

Remus choked back a moan, and forcefully reminded himself that he really did love his friends, truly he did, and he would never attempt to wring their necks, no definitely not, he was a good friend, _really, he was._

**Author's Note:**

> I dislike how often in fics and fanart Remus turns out like a sad little puppy. I mean like, I admit he kind of is a sad little puppy in the books, but I like to think that he only was like that after like ten tears of a really shitty life, and that when he was younger he was a perfectly normal kid, with a slightly bigger than normal attitude and a bunch of stupid friends who literally could not care for themselves if they wanted to.
> 
> So beholden. Remus is done with his friends and their shit. He just wants to read now, thank you.
> 
> Anyhow, thanks for reading, feel free to drop a comment, and may the gears of fate be ever in your favour! Byeeeeee!


End file.
